apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
