I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Vodka?
Forever.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
