you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
