why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
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All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
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when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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