I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
