Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
