Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
