I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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