can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
