i may or may not be watching the land before time
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize