I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
