I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
His hands were made for my vagina.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
