Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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