I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
