how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
