whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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