Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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