remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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