So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
