I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
