I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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