It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I am one with the molecules
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I enjoy the company of your penis
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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