The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni