I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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