spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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