3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
