I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
