this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
