Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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