I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
