my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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