4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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