I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
