i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
