And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
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It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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