no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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