you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
So squirting runs in the family.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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