I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
