Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i think my mom watched the whole time
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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