We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
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Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
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Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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