girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
How naked do you want me to be?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
