Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
