I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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