You're earring is so big in my mouth
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
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It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
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Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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