I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
