The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
