quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
