WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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