I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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