last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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