a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
