I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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