So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
