You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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