i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
whose parrot is this?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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