im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
