my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize